I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
