I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
