his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Randomize
