I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
