The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
