How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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