I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
