Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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