If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
