Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize