I showed him my bush... on skype.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
