She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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