Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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