Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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