Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
