There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
