Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
