dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
