I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
