I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
