I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
