cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
