Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize