You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
