I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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