took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize