WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
