Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
