On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
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