i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
