I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
