my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize