I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
