Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
