it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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