college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
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