Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
