My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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