Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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