i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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