Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
