Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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