If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
