I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
