I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
