My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
