if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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