I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize