based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Green mimosas i think yes
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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