After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
