census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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