Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
