why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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