If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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