I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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