Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
