i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize