the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
