I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
